16/1/2012 --- I Hurt Someone

From past few days,

My boss had ask me something.

And ask me do not harm people.

I do dislike it, but I knew I should think of it.

Ya, I should not harm people who're not same circle like me.

I was struggle for so long for this...

If I'm not on this way... I mind get my another half & get married at this age or soon..?

LoL...

But this is what I wish...

have my own family...

I love & wish to see everyone gather together, talk together, smile & laugh, eat drink play together...

Too bad I'm not...

And my situation & path way is not easy to walk along...

Since I choose this way... Or maybe I just can said I'm born on this way...

This is my destiny...

I do had ask my friend & some elder people I knew...

Everyone want me to be candid...

I knew I should...

I knew I'm selfish & greedy...

Maybe I'm never expect that still will have someone will fall for me...?

Even just a little bit...

I do appreciate it... & thanks god to that...

But.

Once human being is turn on...

I knew my hiding will be a point that hurt each other...

Can I said I took out my brave... or my guts..?

Or else, I just can said I'm a coward...

I just dare to write an email to you...

When I'm typing those wordings...

I'm really struggle...

I knew... it will hurt someone I like...

And the situation for both of us mind be change...

Everything will be change...

As what everyone told me...

Even just be a normal friend...

Need to be candid as well...

Ya, I choose to be candid...

I knew will hurt someone... & myself...

But once let someone found it out...

The case more trouble...

Maybe can't be as friend as well...

This is what my buddy told me...

Maybe...

Once finish type out...

I was struggle for half an hour...

Should I ...? Shouldn't I ....?

I force myself to press the button of SEND...

After all...

I really don't know how to describe my feeling...

I just dare to sms someone to ask someone to read the mail I sent...

I just dare to said SORRY to someone...

this is what I can do...?

Took out my brave... call someone....

I knew, it mind be my last call to someone...

But once I listen someone "hello" sound...

My heart was knot...struggle...

I just dare faster to said SORRY, ask someone to check her mail box & hang up the call....

A Lump in the throat... I'm sucks...

Lay on the bed...

I knew I can't fall asleep...

Hard to breath...

Many thing was come in my mind...

I can't sleep like before...

I knew I'm so so so wrong...

No longer time...

maybe I fall asleep or maybe not...

I awake in suddenly...

Like been get shocked....

I'm not feeling well...

Heart pain...

I feel something...

I feel someone...

Straightly wake up, move my mouse to check the mail...

Ya, I get someone reply...

Read & See every wordings which type & reply by someone...

Read the 1st line of wordings, I knew my heart was like crush by a hand with hard...

Someone said she's falling tears...

Read through this part...

I knew my tears was dropping by along my face with automatically...

I was wrong...

I hurt someone...

I made someone cry...

I should'nt be...

I should make someone happy not to cry...

I'm SUCKS...

I shouldn't appear in someone life...

I shouln't trying to let someone feel for me...

Never expect that I still will drop because of someone...

Due to the past, I been train to not easy to cry...

I can control it well...

sound weird or horrible..

but it's true...

Heart been train kinda like a rock...

Someone, I'm not gonna to leave you...

But, If I can't be... and I'm not the one to be...

I shouldn't be there...

If not, greedy like me..

I will hope & wish for more...

As I'm still a human...

But I do will treat myself as...as your friend...as what you wish to be...

protect you in hidden way...

Someone,

When you're said you're worry about me..

I felt so warm... but I do felt guilty toward to you...

I'm not worth to be... I'm not...

I'm not deserve your worry...

Knew you're driving alone at the outside

I do worry about it...

I can feel that you will stop you car aside & sms reply me...

I just want you to drive safe arrive home...

You said "Why you want to pull everything back when i started to fall in ."

I can feel my heart was started to drop inside a black hole... keep falling...

I can felt your sadness...

You know what...

You became my habitually...

I would like to greet you with a morning sunny sound... ask you to eat on time...

nagging you bla bla...

showing the way to *sayang* you...

Await end work back home straightly to chit chat with you...

See you through webcam...

Seeing your face... your action...

Your every little thing will make me smile...

Communicate with you is very relax & enjoyable...

Maybe I'm too bored to be.. & meet a machine gun like you...

hahaa.. but...

I like the way you are, I can understand & know you more...

At least you will tell me automatically...

Well..

I never ever tell anybody about all my life like you...

You said my words like a needle to sting in you heart.

Have you ever knew, when I start typing the first wording in the mail to you.

You don't know much how pain it would be...

It's not just a needle sting in the heart, it's like cut by a knife slice by slice...

But you can't stop the cutting of pain...

I do scare & worry myself treating you as good as I can...

I knew I should stop... but I can't...

Because, I do fall for you...

That's why I can't lie myself that not treating you good...

If I do hurt you, I won't disturb you anymore.

At least you won't facing someone who had hurt you before like me.

A lier is not worth to be...

You know what..?

You last words is really hurting me lots more than others...

You said

"and guess what , u succeed. You are making me so sad now. Thank you."

Ya, you could blame on me.

Is my fault... my ever fault toward to you...

I admit it..

Thanks for telling me not to waste time on you...

I knew I'm not the one you wish & hope for...

At least.. I'm not...

You said you don't want me to regret in the end...

Well...

If I will regret... Why do I let myself fall for you, right?

Girl, you're smart & clever.

You deserve the best for you life.

God do will bless you, because THEY heard that pray & wish.

As whay you wish to...

You dream of your friend.

I knew it became true..

As long as... you're happy in the end...

*hugs*

Take Care, my love...